The Bachelor - Episode 7

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

Before we start, I must mention that, before this episode, word was out on who will be the next Bachelorette. HOW IS ABC BEING SO CARELESS WITH SPOILERS? But let's tune in and see what happens anyway...because what else do I have to do...

***If you somehow avoided the news on the new Bachelorette...stop reading.***

We return to St. Thomas where we left off, the girls trying to wrap their heads around what the hell is going on with Nick. 

Nick doesn't have a therapist on the show, but he has Chris Harrison, which is almost the same thing but not at all. He sits down to talk to Chris about what's going through his head. 

After his pep talk, Nick revisits the girls. He apologizes for barging in to cry on their couch last night. He tries to explain why he sent Danielle home the night before. He spews some bullshit about how one of them in that room is definitely the one and you can see everyone's eyes LIGHT up. Literally. Corinne especially. You're not winning, Corinne. Just go to Paradise, please. 

Nick then cancels another cocktail party - but it's okay - we're going to Bimini! (I've literally never heard of this island. Has anyone else?) 

We get our first date card and it goes to Vanessa (yay!) Corinne literally calls her a bitch. 

Vanessa and Nick have a classic Bachelor date (just relaxing on a boat together). And she shares her worries with what's been going on. He attempts to reassure her, I think.

Back at the house, Corinne is saying Vanessa doesn't have any 'depth' and she's 'just a special needs teacher'. Okay, Corinne. 

On the date, VANESSA SAYS SHE LOVES NICK! YAY! She even tells him and not just the producers on camera. That's how you know it's real. He kisses her in return, which is his way of saying I love you, because you can't say that until the finale (unless you're rule-breaker-Ben.) 

But after the kiss, he says that he can't say that he loves her for some reason that doesn't really make sense, and ABC makes it more dramatic by playing really ominous music. Please, please don't let Vanessa go home. 


We head to another boat with Corinne, Kristina, and Raven. This date quickly becomes a contest over who can undress fast enough for Nick.

Nick is sick of choosing girls, so he has everyone swim with a shark so that nature can narrow down the selection for him instead. (Side note -there's no way they're actually swimming with these sharks. This is a major hazard.) 

Everyone makes it back on the boat safely, but Corinne is pissed that she's not getting the most attention from Nick. $10 says that ABC plays the theme from Jaws later when Corinne tries to steal Nick away. (editor's note: ABC missed this opportunity big time.)

We get our next date card, and my heart briefly stops because I think it's going to be a two-on-one with Rachel and Danielle. But lucky for Danielle, it's a one-on-one! Which leaves Rachel time to prep for...oh wait...I won't spoil it...

On our group date, Raven gets the group date rose, and gets to go dance with Nick at another concert. They're really overusing this date tactic - no?

Corinne is really worried that she's not getting to hometowns. So much, that she keeps referring to herself in the third person. 

We move on to the next one-on-one - this time, it's Danielle. If you needed to run any errands during this episode, this date would be the time to do it. zZzZz

Rachel gets the next one-on-one. Which is good practice for when she's.....oh wait, never mind. 

Back on the biggest snoozefest of 2017, Nick sends Danielle home. She's a sweet girl, but I think she's a little too nice to find love on reality television. But who knows, there's always Paradise. 

Now that another front-runner has gone home, Corinne gets worried and needs to make sure she's getting a rose. She gets dressed up and basically tells everyone watching ABC that she's about to blow Nick. After some talking and wine, Nick and Corinne say some weird things while we stare at a closed door. Just as things 'heat up', we hear Nick tell Corinne to slow down. Corinne just got cock-blocked on NATIONAL TELEVISION. 

Corinne is mortified, naturally. We can all fear the awkwardness radiating from our televisions. 

Next, Nick and the next Ba-....oops sorry, Rachel, go on their one-on-one. To be honest, I didn't really pay attention to this date. I don't think Rachel wins. Or rather, I KNOW RACHEL DOESN'T WIN.

Before the rose ceremony, tensions are high. Corinne is certain she's going home. But as usual, Nick has to mess around a bit. He comes to the house and sends our sweet Kristina home BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY. Because he can't just let her put on ONE more sequined dress. Geeze, Nick. 

Once again, we see no rose ceremony. Can we assume Corinne, Raven, Vanessa, and Rachel are getting hometowns? 

We'll see next week. Enjoy your Valentine's Day! May you all get asked to accept somebody's rose. 




Oh also - congrats Rachel for being our next Bachelorette!!!!!! (And to ABC for finally getting some diversity with casting. But I still don't get why the couldn't wait until the show was over to tell us this.)




Samantha Schatz